It has been a year already and I couldn’t believe how time turned past me. Still a bum. I can’t believe what had happened to my way of thinking about plans, about me, myself.
It has been a year. I forgot to think of myself, maybe.
When they needed me, my time, my company and my support or mere presence I wouldn’t think twice and just be there with them.
I forgot myself. I was never new to this set-up. I have had moments like these in the past. Never knowing what to do and where to go next. Like a plastic bottle, riding the waves and maybe finding itself ashore.
I don’t know where I am. I am pressuring myself now to think and know these what to do’s and where to go’s. I know it is a tough road but I need to keep me moving. To remind me that there is more to me and that there’s a lot of different worlds out there that I will face and live in, either paired by my gut or plain confidence.
I forgot myself. I may need some confidence 101 again to upkeep what I have got.
I seem to sound strong or am I just completely psyching myself out? Oh insanity. I agree with my inner me that I am not grounded at this time. I don’t know what this urge that wants me to be away. Stay away when things seem to appear a bit dingy. I don’t know. Maybe I still got this cabin fever. I stayed there in my asylum for four months, never really moving, never really wanting to see outside.
I want to believe I got tired just being there, being there for them. I am pushed to exhaustion of forgetting what you want, what to you can and yet you have to live down to their expectations.
I forgot myself. I don’t have the gut in me to feel bad about them, because without them I am too crippled to walk ahead, even though I don’t have myself within me. I know it is such a careless thing to say now but I think I needed this time. I needed this luxury of time.
It is tough. Admitting it for myself was such a feat. I think they do have the right of my presence, my time and my company because they are the ones fueling me to keep me breathing, to keep me healthy and continue to pursue that happiness.
I am sorry. I am a beast of burden. Somehow it sucks when all that you can think of is to be away and really forget all that baggage that haunts you every now and then but I can’t afford it. I am broke. I am tired. I am numb. I just want to pick up the pieces. Then go away, somewhere far. Somewhere new.
The only family I live, I love and I long to spend the rest of my life, I want them to feel better and give the happiness they deserve. I can’t go. I can’t run without them. I love them.
That’s when I forget myself again. I think it’s normal, isn’t it?
“I am a bit under the weather then and as the song of Jessie J goes, it’s okay not to be okay. I don’t have anything to imply here. Insanity sometimes seep their way in into our inner me’s and give us a shot of downs and lows. Do you agree?
Don’t worry I have recovered now as of this writing.”