Just so you know, I decided to move out. I am moving out.
That’s what I blurted after my long deliberation on finally deciding to move out of my apartment. It was a release. It was a tango of feelings too. Flashes of some of the memories came rushing in my mind. When I looked at the stairs, it reminded me a lot of steps that I and my flat mates made. Resounding with numerous clack, clack during Monday mornings. Then there’s the grand dining table, how it was set with bowls, plates, glasses and cutlery during our weekend luncheons and dinners, even on our birthday celebrations too. The old pre-owned TV set have withstood a lot of movie and TV series marathons. These are just the nooks I will miss about my apartment.
It was a hard decision to make but I feel the need to do it. The need to get out of there. It sheltered me safely for a couple of years. It was the silent witness to my bad and better days making a living in the big city. But it also became an asylum that cradled my lowliness. It has that home-y cozy vibe that you’ll fall into it and there’s this time too that it holds so much negativity, making you suffer that cabin fever as they put it.
I don’t know. There were days when I don’t want to get out and see the world. I feel so vulnerable. It was the only refuge I know.
After quitting my job on the third quarter of 2012, this refuge I considered definitely has seen my better days on struggles and rejections. I don’t know what triggered in me that I began to slack and give up. Never really wanting to go out and face another series of interviews and rejections. I realized I wasn’t doing my best. Of course I won’t fit. I don’t fit at all.
From that point on my refuge became like a hotel. I would spend time in it just for sleeping, grooming and to stuff my things. I was going out. Catching a mild travel bug. I was traveling from the big city to my hometown. I preoccupied myself in accompanying family or friends that need me, as a travel buddy, an assistant in any ways I can imagine and of course just a plain company.
With this to and fro, I’ve packed up and left my refuge for quite a number of times. And I realized that I’ve started to detached myself from it. Seeking my refuge back to our house in my hometown. It was a sudden realization I had while I was on a bus bound home. I said to my self that I need to move out. I need to pack up and leave so much so that I can start anew. On a clean slate I can rebuild and reemerge.
It was not really easy to pack up and leave. This was a comfort zone. Then again I need to. I’m doing it for me.
A day before I move out I bought a large box and a roll of packing tape in preparation to packing my stuff. I didn’t doubt the large box size if it will be enough for all my personal belongings I’ve accumulated during my stay. I started emptying my closet and it was the beginning of flashbacks and nostalgia. One of my flat mates even dared to talk me through on changing my decision, that I should just stay. That I will be missed dearly. I gave her a smile. Inside I was sad too.
I continued putting my things in the box. I was packing inside of it all of my stuff, memoirs that scream good memories and fun times. I didn’t throw anything. I shoved it all in the box as if erasing my memories, leaving no trace inside that place. After neatly layering, putting in bags, rolling and compacting my stuff I closed the box. I taped it around all its four sides. There is a need to because it will be transported via cargo system of the same bus I will ride home. Tossing and turning might be its fate under the cargo bin.
The day has come of my leaving. It is time to leave and it is for real. My suitcase’s packed too and I am ready to go.
I stand at the door. The box is sitting by side of the door. It was night-time already and swiftly a cold breeze entered the door. I lifted the box and went out. I put the box in the tricycle to bring it to the main highway where I could flag down a taxi going to the bus terminal. I went back to get my suitcase. I pulled my suitcase and went out, this time it is for real. My friend E(one of my flat mates) was taking a shower.
I didn’t bother to say goodbye. I don’t want to. I’m uncomfortable doing so. I know that sadness I felt when she talked to me would rattle me on that bus ride home. So I didn’t really bother.
Anyway we’ll still see each other again.
I got a text from her. She said that it was for real that I have left and she’s sad. I replied;
It’s time and I just need to. To better days for me. Take care you all always. I will miss your company.