Two Sundays ago I attended mass at the most busiest church in the city. I was with my mother. This has become more like of our Sunday habit in getting out of the house during weekends and just relax—while eating some early dinner after mass we just observe, people watch as we put it—and talk of anything.
That Sunday I took it differently. While we’re traveling on the bus I thought of wanting to be inside the church so that we could sit and not be distracted during the mass rites. A ton of people flock to this church since it is very convenient to your every need and want from restaurants, banks, convenient stores and of course the malls and all sorts of shops. I really wanted to get away from the main entrance as much as possible too because a lot of people enter and exit so I will never get the chance to feel and solemnly take in the order of mass.
As fate agreed we were able to arrive few minutes early before the afternoon mass began and we cozily spotted on one of the pews away from the church’s main door and also nearest to one of the ginormous electric fans bringing air inside and circulating it.
I sat quietly all throughout the mass and would respond and sing along with the automated choir being played.
The last part of the mass would be the communion rites—the receiving of the body of Christ—and this is also the second to the last time we would kneel during the mass and pray. There is a prayer that should be offered before taking the communion but I don’t know that prayer. Not that I don’t know know. It’s just that we haven’t memorized it when I was still attending my elementary and high school days at the Catholic academy few meters from our house.
Whenever this part of the mass commences, as I kneel down, then the priest say something and then you respond to it, after that I would pray on my own. My prayer starts in thanksgiving. Thanking the Lord for all the good things and events in my life that have happened during the week and then I would ask for forgiveness, guidance and continuous blessing for me, my family, friends and for people who are suffering from hunger, poverty, illness and abuse.
I am not that religious really. I am just aware that there is greater than us humans and that I believe in God as my inspiration. Drawing from Him the motivation on how to live good if not better here on Earth. Leaning unto Him when times get rough or suddenly you get caught and stumble. Also it is more like of taking the time to self search, immersing to the core, helping myself through thinking of what matters and counts the most—evaluating my actions, my words—so that I could strengthen myself to face my internal and external adversaries.
I have my own faith. Quoting my mother, “I have my own ways of showing my faith and serving God”. She uttered this words when someone approached her to be part of a church group of women and she politely declined them with that statement.
So after kneeling down I clasped my hands together, looked out to the altar where the image of Jesus nailed on the cross and St. Francis of Assisi stood and closed my eyes not for very long. Nothing in my mind. I was people watching. They are lining up to the altar already.
I thank the Lord for His outpouring blessings for my family. I asked Him that may He continuously keep my mother strong and healthy and safe. I asked Him to continuously blessed my brother N. Keep him strong and healthy and safe too. Guide him always. I asked Him to bless my two brothers too. I didn’t pray for my friends that time. I know they are doing well.
I turned to myself.
I asked Him to give me a sign that will show up today, Wednesday, August 27th. That sign was a bright sun shiny day to be exact.
I woke up today with the rays of sun shining through the window then down to my feet. I never thought the sun would show up today. Two days ago it was gloomy and gray always. Last night’s weather forecast even said that it will be rainy days for this week. I never really expected that.
I asked for the sign not that I am doubting God, I am doubting myself. I am still at this comfort zone and no clear plans on what’s next. Maybe because of this answered prayer, I will slowly move and continue. The road lies ahead and it has been two years for me. Not that I regret about anything within that two years of hanging around because I know for a fact I have never been so selfish. I was quite stupid and self-indulgent but not really selfish.
My family and friends assured me of that. I may never have a lot to offer but I surely did affect their lives and it is a nice feeling to feel that you are loved and needed. I know most of them would want to see me again have a lot of going-ons with my life so much so that I can conquer anything in this world.
Now that I am basking in the sign I really don’t know what to do. What I do know is to pray again to guide me and strengthen me. I’ve said all about these beginnings, making little steps and hopes for me but it’s me who is not making the move. I am here lying in the maybe’s. But when I’m decided I always move on.
Though some parts of me can’t go on, I will still go on. Promise. I just need to gather my shit together. Again I’ve said that but it is my only ammo for now, self-care and preservation.