What Do You Want?


I realized that as we grow and expand our lives towards career, family and relationships sometimes over time we become restrained with how we deal with each other given the close friendship that we have. I understand too that unsolicited advise comes down the drain easily. Maybe it’s a part of us maturing and there are things that we need to do just on our own.

It is a fight we need to face with strength and confidence. I wish you luck and pray for your wins always.

— An excerpt of my unsent letter to a friend last 2013


I can still remember how I felt writing that letter. It was good. I was in my most sensible state. Part of that letter spoke my honest thoughts. Some parts were all about making things better. Not that it is but some more than parts of it. I wrote it to be opened on Christmas Day of that year. Same with this.

This is my unsent letter part two. But I choose not to put a banner of it. Neither publish the whole letter here. It is something I continue to reread every time I would come across it. It is inserted in my journal so the frequency of seeing it is high as I tend to skim through the pages when I feel like to.

My letter is light in tone. It is full of hope, well wishing, and love for our friendship.

It feels quite different from where we are right now. When I try to look back, everything is different. So much have changed. While change is inevitable it compromised the foundation of friendship where we stand now. Now. I can be more than sentimental about it because I just can’t help myself. We’ve threaded such a long line of friendship. The kind of friendship that you wish for a lifetime.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately of my unsettled thoughts about how this friendship stands now. It felt hollow and filled with pretense careful not to burst each of our protective bubbles. It is heavy at some points especially when you are trying to get rid of the annoyance. The tiny ticks seem to be magnified this time and that too isn’t doing any of us good.

Part of this unsettled thoughts is that the burden of response isn’t really on my shoulder. As much as I want to brush off the idea of awaiting what might be the response, it clouds my judgment to better our friendship. I wrote a lengthy letter after this unsent one. It bared everything and that one I can say was a cowardly move. I admit. But the timing isn’t favorable to have a talk.

I’m sorry. I wish I hadn’t sent it. Even trying to get it back was a worst idea.


So what do you really want?



Coffee Now, Beer Later



Or sometimes we have the beer first and then coffee later.

We usually meet around after dinner time. Either each one of us calls or texts of the details but never the place where to meet or hangout. Spending some waiting time just to get a move to our place of choosing takes the first few minutes of our meet-up. Walking along the street where restaurants and bars are located sometimes is necessary to have a feel of where exactly do we want to hangout.

Standing and waiting in front of a fast food joint or convenient store is where we also try to discuss where to really go. We assess if we are hungry enough to have dinner first or straight up booze spill.

There was never a straight forward conversation that we will be just having a coffee for the night or share a beer or two to cap off. It is always back and forth, annoying banter or someone will just jump the gun and be done with it.

The three of us always have a good time. We make sure of that.

Our friendship comes a long, long way. Old friends we can call each other and happen to make things better at least when we are at arm’s length bringing our company to a multiple of three. I am happy to write about this. It makes me smile a lot and remember our nights of complete crazy laughs.


When we get to the coffee shop we always make a good scan of the place. One of us will lead to the best table he or she thinks will be good enough. As soon as when all of us have seated, if no comments made then we are good with the table. If not, we hurriedly scan another spot even if that table is not yet bused.

Then a short game of over theres and over heres are exchanged. Adding more annoyance. Good annoyance. Never an episode of heated exchange rather more of making a fool of ourselves. Laughingstock we are for a brief there.

We order what we like. What we haven’t tried yet. Once the cups are served we take it in and only B obliges to take a photo of it or us, asking a waiter to capture the moment in her phone. Painted smiles fill our faces. All zooming our eyes to that tiny lens.

Thanks to her, all these photos of us together are hers. I grabbed it from her Facebook timeline. The irony of flashing these mementos now are on me as I tend not to want to be photographed with them. It’s not that I don’t like them in a picture with me. It’s more of being hermit with them, being private. Over time, I get used to her prodding. A and I enthuse for a pose and find ourselves blind for a second with that flash. Sometimes it’s off, sometimes not.

Either beer or coffee, we get this sort of stoked like effect on us. We talk of things that just bombed us with so much happiness and excitement. I guess three’s a company. I reckon we need to be beaten out of that.

The time we spend having coffee or beer lasts for four hours, max. A calls the time first. B and I go deaf for some time to buy more time if we are really on to a conversation. He calls it first because he can. We’re totally fine with it but sometimes not. I’m really happy to write this. He can because he needs to be early the day after. He is the priest. Our excuse of not listening to him until his last call to cap off our night is that he lives at the convent few blocks away while the two us, B and I is a mile away. B lets me crash at hers when we do this.

Playing deaf and calculating how far away are we from our beds is as always our never ending banter once we leave and exit from the coffee shop or bar. It never gets old.

During beer nights, A gets the usual. A bottle for himself. We don’t argue with that but most of the time, yes. The bucket, good five beers stare at us. B and I end up getting 2 of each always. The night will never be the same for the two of us if we keep doing it. I am talking about calorie intake.


Crazy enough, he contends when B and I have enough of our beers then flooding him of mind boggling questions that gets him to want to cap off fast our night. This in turn becomes such a good laugh for B and I. This never gets old too.


Okay. Waiter, bill please. 

Waiter walks back to our table.

Looking at them both, “What?, I got it this time.”



Feel and Let Loose


Someone who can dance?



Nobody wants to dance, I think. As for me I just want to rock out and feel the bass transcend in my nerves. Maybe it will give me goose skin. Maybe it will bring me to somewhere. Whatever that means.

This is a memory of one of the best travels I and my friends have been. The place was serene and beautiful. Most of us agreed to it being tranquil and having this chill vibe downplaying on us. We tend to be selfish when we gather on one place we like. That feeling of just having it for ourselves to explore and commune with even for a short time. That’s how we make memories together.

Inasmuch as I want to rock out to Urbandub’s First of Summer while having our drinks I just can’t. No mobile speakers for me. It’s just up in my head playing together with the sounds around me that night. The breeze. The lapping of small waves. The bass from blaring speakers and muted screams from this party animals. Mobile party that is. Definitely the era of everything mobile is here to stay and I and my friends are too.


We’re living it up
Make this night ours
We own the world
I wish this lasts forever

—Urbandub, First of Summer



They Got Me A Cake

YES, THEY DO! Of course, it was a surprise birthday cake for me. I couldn’t stop myself from not immortalizing their thoughtful gesture and not write about them. Having a cake for my birthdays has passed me and it really doesn’t feel less of a birthday if I don’t have one. Celebrating such a day is but a normal day to me, contented in sharing a dinner with my family or having a drink or two with my friends.

I may have to say they got me this time. And I thank them so much for such sweetness.

It felt awkward having to see a dedication written for me on the cake. Not that I don’t like it but as I have said before, it has passed me to receive and be gifted with a cake. My expectation of celebrating my day quietly came out with a loud bang before the end of it. I really appreciate what they got for me and it made me more sentimental since we couldn’t be in one table to share this cake. Distance and work may have come between us but it continues to make us look forward to each others’ company especially on our birthdays no other.

IMG_1875This is my obligatory photo with my cake and I sent this through chat with these dearest friends to let them know that I did get the cake especially hand delivered by one of their trio. The surprise trio as I want to call them. They too signed the cake not with their names by with their own family names—their beaus surnames—making me gasp upon opening the box immediately as insisted by Bebs that I read whom this cake is from.

As we tread and make each of our lives, I believe in our friendship more. My regard to them seem to grow larger as they build their own families. Our mutual respect and acceptance also deepens. Communication has been automatic, open and more considerate of time when making replies.

I must say, I have made my fatty heart larger for them. Because I love you and your families. Thank you.

Love, Milestone

LAST DECEMBER MY BEST FRIEND C brought up the idea of me turning 30 this year. It was a milestone she pointed and that I should post or like do something about it. “I am kind of thinking something about it really, maybe we can do it like a challenge post for the both of us.” I retort.


Milestone. I am not really having a grasp of what this means for me. The feeling of turning thirty and it is a milestone doesn’t sound so in the zone right now. My heart is warm and happy that I have just reached this age knowing that I have myself that keeps doing me and of course my family and few dear friends that love me just the same. Yes, I am feeling their love this year. Keeping this feeling of being loved is like rehydrating myself while on a course of a long marathon. I’ve never done a marathon really. Simply put it like quenching a thirst on a hot day. That’s all that I have and I am contented with how these relationships forge my life.

I thought of making a countdown of at least seven days before January 9. There’s nothing really of a plan on celebrating my birthday that day. What I have in mind was to get up early and welcome the day. See what it’ll feel like. I sound ridiculous now.

And so I started my countdown then. Nothing special. My wanting to wake up early on those seven days was my only goal and I did it. It was really somewhat meaningful to me in most sense of embracing life on the first light of day. Just owning that moment of gratitude for having woken up to enjoy another day and so on.

Three years before my thirtieth I was having my own life at my own pace. I wasn’t bringing much my game really. Hermetic. Deciding to go home and languidly waiting for those calls from the job applications. The situation here I can describe was like the erratic green line in the monitor of a patient’s heartbeat. The peaks and the lows. Looking almost my life is on the wire, washed and stuck.


Immature. Batshit. I may have to do some growing up here and much has been written by me on this blog about positivity, changing for the better and keep doing me to get where I want to. I am still on the belief that we are all waiting for that something and hopes that it comes sooner. So the earlier I get on the road, the better I can cover more of my waiting time and then it will be worthy. The idea of my stuck up-ness isn’t lost on me. I know there are others on crossroads. I just really need to make the move and this is on me.


A day before my birthday, I woke up at 530 am. Together with my reliable younger brother we decided the night before that we’ll just take long walks around the school’s oval and maybe up to our uncle’s house again. So we head down the road. The air was cool as ever. Hues of white and yellow slowly brightened the blue sky signalling the rise of the majestic sun. I am beginning to like this time of day. My digital camera is with me. I was so inspired to take some photos that day. The thought of taking that long walk again, I could use few minutes of stops to photograph parts of my hometown, Baao.

While feeling in my countdown I thought of going to the beach. Mine and my dear friends go-to beach during our teens and twenties. I just want to recapture the life of it and maybe it would bring me back to memories of counting stars with some beers and cheap brandy sitting on the sand and planning ahead of our lives while waiting for the sunrise. The sea has been always coddling of me, I think. Out of all the trips that I made going at its shores wherever part of my country, its stillness and ominous presence reminds me that the world is something I need to conquer in ways I can. To simply live the life I want and be happy.


The day of my birthday, I woke up early as my promise to myself. I went to church and attended mass. My prayer was about gratitude, strength, wisdom and guidance. I also prayed for my family and friends and to other people who needs it too. As I continue to live this life I am making, I don’t have questions in my mind that I can’t go on. I have this in me of looking almost as if I live my life as it is. That is why I will and if I can offer more whatever time, effort and company to these people who ask me, I do. I embraced this part of myself and I am humbled by it.

I will feel the love of these people who accord me with kindness, support and unconditional love, I said to myself as I walked home from the church.

The rest of my day was boring and holed up at home together with my family. I spent a minute reading the sole birthday card I got from my best friend a.k.a. my twin sis C and with it was her gift—a crafty book about hand lettering. I began reading its content too and Instagram-ed about it after.

I cooked pesto pasta in the morning. My mother and brothers enjoyed it for breakfast. There was some more left in my mother’s red Dutch oven and I served myself half a plate of it few hours before dinner time. Later in the afternoon, my younger brother S baked a carrot cake in favor of my mother’s request so I dug in on it too. But to my surprise, I do have a birthday cake waiting for me that night. (I will write another post of it.) It was personally delivered by my dearest friend B. She obliged me to open it immediately and see who is it from. Yes, I was blown by their gesture. Together with her, C and E and their families they all got me a cake. It was my time again to having one. I can’t remember when’s the last time I had a birthday cake really and funnily enough, I found it awkward blowing some candles sparkling on top of it.

I did that obligatory photo for the sake of the rest not being around and to make sure that I have had received my birthday cake and the three red balloons. If that is a winning surprise for them to me, I call it winsome love.

To my life and to my next moves.

Thank you.